Something Wicked This Way Comes

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I've always liked that movie, especially the beginning where you see how autumn has taken over the town and leaves are blowing everywhere. Growing up in Florida, I pretty much can only dream of days like that, since autumn is my favorite season.  Even still, there are signs every year that let me know that my favorite season is beginning  and my least favorite is coming to an end- the sound of high school bands practicing, Starbucks bringing out their Pumpkin Latte, Back to School commercials, whistles blowing at football games.  If you think about it, every season or memorable event has some signs to let you know that the time is about to approach again.  So it should be of no surprise to me that as I near a year from the date of my melanoma diagnosis, I am seeing signs all around me.

First it was my visit to MD Anderson for a chest x-ray last week.  Upon my first visit a year ago this month, I saw fish bowls filled with ribbons of different colors for different cancers  decorating the reception desk. I walked around it, amazed at all the different types of this horrible disease, and found my color- black.  Yes, at first I was a tad bit disappointed because it was rather morbid and I wanted to have positive thoughts, but then I decided that black is exactly what it should be- so glad someone had already come to this conclusion. When I went back on the next visit, I wanted to show my sister, but they were gone. Apparently, they must bring them out in June. 

Then I did my annual volunteering at a local library for their Summer Reading Kick–Off party. Last year, I spent the morning rushing around to make sure I had a proper sized bandage to cover the excision my derm had just made for some “abnormal cells” she detected. I didn’t want to scare the little ones away as I was signing them up for the reading program.  It’s laughable now, to think I thought that was a pretty big scar.

This was the caption I put next to the photo when I was showing my friends.

"Much bigger than I expected, but still not a ugly as the second head I had growing there for the last year, lol" If only I knew.

Both of these events brought back the sights, smells, and feelings of  the awful month of limbo from June 15^th to July 13^th  2012, when I went from hardly knowing the word melanoma to the reality that my life may not be as long as I expected.  As much as I would like to not have these reminders, wishing them away would be pointless.  They are a part of me now. And it doesn’t even have to be June in order for me find those awful feelings and memories.  They can happen any time of any day.  I am reminded each time one of my wonderful new friends and fellow warriors shares test results that didn’t come back as we had all hoped.  I am reminded all too often when I come across a random article or post, like this one from one of my favorite people, Respect the Rays

                                                                                                                         .

I clicked on the comments link right away to participate, but before I typed, I read everyone else’s responses. The  last one made me take a long, hard pause while a storm began brewing inside of my stomach.  “…on his back in 09, clear nodes. Metastasized to his brain 3 yrs later."

  Mine was on my neck, which is closer to your brain than your back. I, too, had clear nodes.

For about 5 seconds, I actually had the nerve be upset that she shared so much information. I thought, “Really? Did we need to know all that?” Yes. Can you believe it? For 5 seconds I was a total ass. Then I realized she is just doing what my friend asked- sharing the location. She wasn't trying to terrify me. Then I thought of all the pain she must have experienced.  I could no longer comment at that point.  I put my phone down and walked away.

Just like the terrifying traveling carnival crept up on that unsuspecting town in Ray Bradbury’s tale, melanoma can show up in our thoughts, our fears, our bodies, when we least suspect it.

Mr. Dark, appropriately wearing black.

It’s because of this  that I say, allow yourself :

-to feel nauseous

-to be aware of what could happen

- to feel your feelings

- to hear your thoughts

- to face your fears

But just for a few minutes. Then move away -far away- from those things and focus on the good, your blessings right now. You’re alive right now. Focus on your life, your future. Appreciate that maybe, just maybe, all of this fear  has  or will help us to live better, more honest, more full lives. Lives that we would not have lived had we not met with the beast.

Then make sure you go out and live that life.

As always, thank you for reading and practice safe sun!

Why Vanity is GOOD!

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In case you weren’t sure, there IS a plus side to being a little bit vain. 

I am no super model, and as you know from previous posts, I didn’t have the greatest self-esteem for the first 20 + years of my life.  But I still like to show off a good picture of myself whenever possible.

And now with the invention of social media and finally having a cell phone with a camera, my tiny vanity issues have been magnified about 1000 times. In other words, I take a lot of pictures of myself.  I don’t like most of them, but hey, that’s what’s great about digital pictures- you can take them and take them until you get one you like (and you don’t have to wait for the entire hour of the film to be processed).

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It’s amazing what technology has done to us. I mean, we can brag about what we are doing, how we look, what we are eating, how cute our kids or grandkids are, how sexy our partner is, and all the great places we are visiting to all 500 of our “friends” at the same time. Instantly.

 Having a camera full of pictures of my kids and myself, has really been of great help to me today.   Mr. LSM doesn’t like me taking pictures of him. I think he’s afraid they’ll show up on Facebook or my blog

As a melanoma warrior, I should be checking my skin at least once a month (most of us do it daily because yes, it becomes an obsession) and if I were super smart, which I am beginning to question, I would be taking lots of pictures of my skin so I can monitor any changes. I have done this quite a bit, but I do have nightmares of losing my phone and someone finding all of my skin pics. The horror!  Still, I should be more organized and document the measures of suspicious marks or moles. 

A while back, my mom asked me about a mark above my lip. At the time, I was hoping it was a pimple or a blackhead, so I was leaving it alone for it to go away on its own. Of course, once she asked me about it,  I went home and picked at. Soon the bump turned into a little freckle. I didn’t think too much about it, because for the first month, I was sure it was just a scar from me picking at it.  It seemed to be getting more noticeable, but as I mentioned before , us melanoma warriors can be quite obsessive about marks on our skin.   I wasn’t sure if it was actually growing or if I was just noticing it more.  I never once measured it until this weekend. It is 4 mm long.  I decided I would keep an extra close eye on it until my next derm apt.

Then last night at our family super bowl party, my sister asked me about it. 

“It’s getting bigger isn’t it?” I asked.“I think so, because I am noticing it a lot more than I used to. You should go get that checked out. Like now.”

Not words I wanted to hear.  

I confessed that I noticed it was getting bigger as well, but it is on my LIP. The very top of my LIP. On the little left camel hump on my LIP.  You know what that means..another scar..a very VERY noticeable scar. And let me tell you, from the age of 7 to 17 I was in dance groups where I had to wear red lipstick for every performance. Nothing shows off a tiny top lip like red lipstick! And on top of it, in my younger years, my mom would fuss about how difficult it was to put the lipstick on my teeny tiny upper lip.

So naturally, I don’t want them taking part of my miniscule upper lip off.  But even more so, I don’t want to die. But I am not going to lie to you, there is still a small part of me that needed more convincing of whether I should have it checked.

So I went to my phone. Surely, with all my “not-so-glamour” shots I take every few days, I could see if this is really something I should be worried about.  

Here is what I found:

Oct 4, 2012  I took this picture while waiting for my son to get out of school. My daughter and I were taking silly pics. I can't even see the mark in this picture. 

Nov 22, 2012  I took this one on Thanksgiving while I was waiting to eat. You can notice a tiny spec (though the zoom is not the clearest).

Dec 4, 2012 I took this picture of me while wearing my new HUMONGOUS sun hat. Seriously, a small tribe of children could walk next to me and be TOTALLY protected by the hat. You can notice the mark more here.

Feb 3, 2013.  I took this one last night. Just of my lip, so naturally, it is clearer and more pronounced than that others. Man, I need some lip gloss!!

Although some of the pics are blurry, I think you can still see from the mouth montage, that this thing has definitely changed in the last 4 months. Remember, change was the the tell tale sign of my first melanoma (and hopefully my last). Ignoring this would be more than stupid. It would be a true case of denial. 

I always wanted a sexy beauty mark above my lip. Like they say, be careful what you wish for. 

I moved up my regular 3 month exam by my dermatologist from the 26th of this month to Friday.  I am nervous, but I need my derm to take this off and send it away to make sure it is JUST a freckle. And regardless of whether I like the way i look after, well, I still need to keep taking pictures of myself and being a little vain.

I suggest you do it, too. It just may save your life. 

Thank you for reading. I will keep you posted on the results. Until next time, practice safe 

Tanning Come Full Circle

By now, you all know that I've had melanoma, and currently, I have no evidence of disease (Thank you, God), but what you may not know is my history with the sun.  And of course, the history of me NOT loving the skin I was in.

That's me on my first birthday. Check out those funky dining room chairs. Apparently in the 70's all the great portraits were taken of models sitting on the dining room table, or was that just my house? 

As you can see, I wasn't a very tan baby. My heritage can be traced back to Puerto Rico, Cuba, Spain, Ireland, Germany, and the Canary Islands, so I am quite a mix. 50% of me is made of the first three, 50% of the last three.  

These are my siblings. Of the four of us, I was the only one who burned BEFORE  I tanned and when I tanned, it wasn't very dark and didn't last for very long. I also freckled the most of us all. So there were times when I definitely felt like the outcast. 

 My older brother and I (notice he is darker than me, but does have some freckles)

My younger sister (She is MUCH darker..and topless. She was quite the exhibitonist
 in her youth) Check out the boombox I got for my birthday! Child of the 80's.

 My youngest sister.  Again, MUCH darker than me (and much more relaxed). When you're the baby, you can sit back and relax all the time.

 She hasn't changed much since then.

 That's me all the way to the right. Sexy, huh? 

I grew up in Key West, so we did a lot of swimming and fishing and picnicking for the first 10 or so years of my life.  I assume my parents put sunscreen on me at that age, but it wasn't really "big" back then.

As I got older, we didn't go to the beach quite as often, mostly on the 4th of July or 3 day weekends.  My very dark hair, dark eyes, and dark eyebrows seemed to make me appear even more pale in comparison to everyone else I knew, so I decided that tanning would make me much more attractive.  I wasn't a size 0 like all of the other teenage girls, so I did most of my tanning at home on my porch, because I didn't want to go to the beach with everyone else. I would lay outside on a towel with another towel on my face (so I wouldn't get any more freckles) and a fan blowing on me (so I wouldn't pass out from the heat.) Although I did pass out one day. I walked inside from laying out to get a drink and blacked out right in the middle of the living room floor. Scared my parents to death!

At the time I was using sunscreen...SPF 8. Yep. Back then I remember 3 numbers being easily available, SPF 2, SPF 4, and SPF 8.  If I didn't burn, I would have used SPF 2. I always wished I could. I thought it would make me tan SO much better.

While working at home for the summer during college one year, I spent quite a bit of time out on the boat. Believe it or not, I didn't really go out on the boat while growing up down there. But this particular summer, I had a friend with access to one, so i took every advantage! 

This is the first and last picture I will ever post of me in a bikini, lol. Well, that is unless I ever get Gunnar Peterson as my personal trainer. 

This day, I spent the entire day on a float in the water with the sun reflecting off the water onto my skin. Notice the lovely RED line just above the white skin under my bikini.  I am certain I was in pain after that.  My sister saw this pic and reminded me that I poured vinegar all over me after this burn, to take the sting out. By this time I was using an SPF 15, but mixing it with tanning accelerator whenever I had it. I am certain I didn't reapply nearly enough and am sure it wasn't waterproof sunscreen. 

Me, after another day out on the boat.

Then after graduating from college, even though i had always been against tanning salons, I let a friend convince me that they were indeed, safer than tanning in the sun. So over a period of 6 to 8 months in my early 20's, I used tanning beds. It was a quick and easy fix to give me the tan I wanted. I stopped when I noticed I was getting wrinkles around my eyes. Ironic, isn't it? I didn't like the idea of getting old before my time, but never thought about the fact that I was increasing my chances of dying before my time! I started using SPF 30 on my face, daily after that. Also, because shortly after I was put on Retin-A for my acne. You HAVE to wear sunscreen when you use that. Of course, I just put it on in the morning, never reapllying throughout the day. 

Finally, a miraculous thing happened! Self tanners really improved. You no longer had to look like one of Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas. The new self tanners  actually made you look brown instead of orange. There were, however, a few unfortunate side effects.  There was the "strange" odor and color rubbing off on your clothes. Even still, I preferred to have color and possibly smell weird and stain my clothes, than be pale. Since I was living in an apartment and finally had a pool to lay out by, I had found the perfect combination of weekend tanning and self tanner throughout the week. I was darker than I ever was.  And as a result, I was more confident than I ever was. 

  

My combination of laying out and self tanner

The one thing I didn't do was tan for my wedding. By my late 20's I had finally decided that tanning was going to age me too soon, and it was no longer worth the effort. I stuck to my self tanner and used very little the week of my wedding, because my dress cost way too much money to get stained.  When I did tan, I was putting 30 on my body now. I didn't want to burn or age or get skin cancer.

Five years, two babies, and one new mole on my neck later, I was, pretty much as white as I was in the picture of my first birthday, with the exception of the pigmentation that was showing up from sun damage and hormones. I had come full circle.  All those hours sweating in the heat, all that money spent on self tanners and tanning sessions, all the time wasted trying to be a shade that I wasn't meant to be. Color that wouldn't EVER stay.  All of the damage to my skin trying to make me be "prettier" when in reality, I was causing damage that would some day make me "uglier."  The true sadness of it all is that "pretty" and "ugly" was more important to me than "life" and "death."

The last time I "tanned" was my first and only spray tan 6 months before I was diagnosed with melanoma.  I was the only non African -American in one of my best friend's weddings. She picked out a very PALE pink, which i was certain would wash me out and make me stand out more than the bride, so I got my first spray tan. I have to be honest, I loved it. 

Although, after reading about spray tans lately, I don't think I will be doing it again, for many reasons. One of them being the fact that I want to love myself as I am and I want others to love themselves as they are.  Why should I try to change? Looking back now, I can find many pictures of myself where my paleness was really beautiful.  

No more tans for me..that I promise. I do still have a yearning for some self tanner on occasion, but then that would go against everything I am trying to change for the better. 

I hope this encourages people to love themselves just the way they are. I also hope you share this with younger people, especially young girls. I cannot go back and change my mistakes, but I can help others to not make the same ones.

Thank you for reading. Until next time, practice safe sun!

Do You Have the Power?

As I child of the 80’s and early 90’s, I cannot hear the word POWER and not think of the Snap song-

  The Power-Snap

Loved it!  It gets stuck in your head so easily.  A few years ago, he was the coach for my nephew’s football team. Every time I went to a game and saw Coach “Turbo”, I’d start singing, “It’s getting, it’s getting, it’s getting kind of hectic.”

That is the FIRST thing I think about when I hear the word "power." (I am a sucker for music)

The second thing I think about is this:

During my first year of teaching, I taught 6^th grade math and science. The local radio station would give Black History facts in the morning and follow with the reminder that Knowledge Is Power. Being a very excited brand new teacher, I totally believed that and made a sign with the saying and posted in my classroom.

I still believe it today, but when I think about it, I don’t think about all the education in the school books as much as I think about the knowledge we need to survive. The knowledge we need to protect ourselves from cancer and other diseases.

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up on the island of Key West, FL. The sun  could be found everywhere. All. The. Time.  So, naturally, I was taught ALL about skin cancer and how to avoid it, right? WRONG.  Want to know my knowledge about skin cancer?
Here it is:

• Skin cancer comes from too much sun when you are at the beach.
• If I wear sunscreen, I will be ok.
• Dark, big moles are scary and can be dangerous.

There you go. That was my entire knowledge of skin cancer - Skin cancer = ugly moles.   I had a large, dark brown mole on my back since I was a teen. When I got into my 20’s, I started going to have yearly skin exams because of THAT mole. I thought it was the one that would be my doom- if that were my fate.  But, every dermatologist said it looked fine. I had that mole on my back until 3 months ago, when I made my new dermatologist remove it. It was benign.

The pink bubble pimple-looking mole that I had on my neck? That couldn’t be cancer. It was too cute. Too pretty.  It itched, and  I had it removed. Then it came back. Had I known that EVOVLING or ITCHING were two HUGE signs, I would have taken it more serious. I wouldn’t have procrastinated. I wouldn’t have rescheduled the appointment 3 different times! That’s right 3 times! All with at least a month and a half in between. They would have caught my melanoma long before it got to go deeper into my skin.  I would have known it really WAS something serious, but I lacked the knowledge.

You see when I went to the dermatologist it usually had to do with acne. I saw a dermatologist for acne from the age of 12 to 22.  There were no signs showing me what to look for when detecting skin cancer, but there were plenty of signs telling me how great I would look with Botox injections,  Acutane,  hair restoration procedures, facials, and peels.  How was I to know?

As I searched the web for this picture to show you a quick summary of the ABC’s of skin cancer, I could not get over how many stop at D.  The don’t even INCLUDE evolving.  No wonder I was clueless.

This is what everyone SHOULD at least be exposed to at any doctor's office, but especially the dermatologist.

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And then there are the OTHER signs:

Other Danger Signs of Malignant Melanoma
• Change in color, especially multiple shades of dark brown or black; red, white and blue, • Change or spreading of color from the edge of the mole into surrounding skin.• Change in size, especially sudden or continuous enlargement.• Change in shape, especially development of irregular margins or border.• Change in elevation, especially sudden elevation of a previously flat mole.• Change in the surface texture of a mole, especially scaliness, erosion, oozing, crusting, ulceration, or bleeding.• Change in the the surrounding skin, especially redness, swelling, or new moles.• Change in sensation, especially itching, tenderness, or pain.

Basically, any mole or growth that is CHANGING needs to be checked by a doctor.

This site wasn't afraid to tell it like it is. They felt it was important to give ALL the information. Kudos to Afraidtoask.com

I am so glad to be here for those who are newly diagnosed with melanoma, but I also hope to be reaching everyone who hasn’t been diagnosed.  

You see, 

• Melanoma is now the fastest growing cancer in the US.

• The chance of getting melanoma  was 1 in 1500 in 1940, then 1 in 67 in 2004, and now it's 1 in 50. 

I rather YOU find it BEFORE anyone else does. I rather YOU find it before it’s too deep or too late. If caught in the earliest stages, melanoma is entirely treatable with a survival rate of nearly 100%. If untreated and allowed to spread, there is NO known treatment or cure! You can find those facts on MANY skin cancer sites. Here is the site I used. 


Early detection is key, and to have early detection you must KNOW what to look for. Not  all melanomas are dark and flat and scary looking. 


Share this with your family and friends. Spread the knowledge everyone. Please give others the power to see what I did not.  

As always, thank you for reading and until next practice safe sun!

OH..and make sure to use your power for good...not evil. 

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