Tanning Come Full Circle

By now, you all know that I've had melanoma, and currently, I have no evidence of disease (Thank you, God), but what you may not know is my history with the sun.  And of course, the history of me NOT loving the skin I was in.

That's me on my first birthday. Check out those funky dining room chairs. Apparently in the 70's all the great portraits were taken of models sitting on the dining room table, or was that just my house? 

As you can see, I wasn't a very tan baby. My heritage can be traced back to Puerto Rico, Cuba, Spain, Ireland, Germany, and the Canary Islands, so I am quite a mix. 50% of me is made of the first three, 50% of the last three.  

These are my siblings. Of the four of us, I was the only one who burned BEFORE  I tanned and when I tanned, it wasn't very dark and didn't last for very long. I also freckled the most of us all. So there were times when I definitely felt like the outcast. 

 My older brother and I (notice he is darker than me, but does have some freckles)

My younger sister (She is MUCH darker..and topless. She was quite the exhibitonist
 in her youth) Check out the boombox I got for my birthday! Child of the 80's.

 My youngest sister.  Again, MUCH darker than me (and much more relaxed). When you're the baby, you can sit back and relax all the time.

 She hasn't changed much since then.

 That's me all the way to the right. Sexy, huh? 

I grew up in Key West, so we did a lot of swimming and fishing and picnicking for the first 10 or so years of my life.  I assume my parents put sunscreen on me at that age, but it wasn't really "big" back then.

As I got older, we didn't go to the beach quite as often, mostly on the 4th of July or 3 day weekends.  My very dark hair, dark eyes, and dark eyebrows seemed to make me appear even more pale in comparison to everyone else I knew, so I decided that tanning would make me much more attractive.  I wasn't a size 0 like all of the other teenage girls, so I did most of my tanning at home on my porch, because I didn't want to go to the beach with everyone else. I would lay outside on a towel with another towel on my face (so I wouldn't get any more freckles) and a fan blowing on me (so I wouldn't pass out from the heat.) Although I did pass out one day. I walked inside from laying out to get a drink and blacked out right in the middle of the living room floor. Scared my parents to death!

At the time I was using sunscreen...SPF 8. Yep. Back then I remember 3 numbers being easily available, SPF 2, SPF 4, and SPF 8.  If I didn't burn, I would have used SPF 2. I always wished I could. I thought it would make me tan SO much better.

While working at home for the summer during college one year, I spent quite a bit of time out on the boat. Believe it or not, I didn't really go out on the boat while growing up down there. But this particular summer, I had a friend with access to one, so i took every advantage! 

This is the first and last picture I will ever post of me in a bikini, lol. Well, that is unless I ever get Gunnar Peterson as my personal trainer. 

This day, I spent the entire day on a float in the water with the sun reflecting off the water onto my skin. Notice the lovely RED line just above the white skin under my bikini.  I am certain I was in pain after that.  My sister saw this pic and reminded me that I poured vinegar all over me after this burn, to take the sting out. By this time I was using an SPF 15, but mixing it with tanning accelerator whenever I had it. I am certain I didn't reapply nearly enough and am sure it wasn't waterproof sunscreen. 

Me, after another day out on the boat.

Then after graduating from college, even though i had always been against tanning salons, I let a friend convince me that they were indeed, safer than tanning in the sun. So over a period of 6 to 8 months in my early 20's, I used tanning beds. It was a quick and easy fix to give me the tan I wanted. I stopped when I noticed I was getting wrinkles around my eyes. Ironic, isn't it? I didn't like the idea of getting old before my time, but never thought about the fact that I was increasing my chances of dying before my time! I started using SPF 30 on my face, daily after that. Also, because shortly after I was put on Retin-A for my acne. You HAVE to wear sunscreen when you use that. Of course, I just put it on in the morning, never reapllying throughout the day. 

Finally, a miraculous thing happened! Self tanners really improved. You no longer had to look like one of Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas. The new self tanners  actually made you look brown instead of orange. There were, however, a few unfortunate side effects.  There was the "strange" odor and color rubbing off on your clothes. Even still, I preferred to have color and possibly smell weird and stain my clothes, than be pale. Since I was living in an apartment and finally had a pool to lay out by, I had found the perfect combination of weekend tanning and self tanner throughout the week. I was darker than I ever was.  And as a result, I was more confident than I ever was. 

  

My combination of laying out and self tanner

The one thing I didn't do was tan for my wedding. By my late 20's I had finally decided that tanning was going to age me too soon, and it was no longer worth the effort. I stuck to my self tanner and used very little the week of my wedding, because my dress cost way too much money to get stained.  When I did tan, I was putting 30 on my body now. I didn't want to burn or age or get skin cancer.

Five years, two babies, and one new mole on my neck later, I was, pretty much as white as I was in the picture of my first birthday, with the exception of the pigmentation that was showing up from sun damage and hormones. I had come full circle.  All those hours sweating in the heat, all that money spent on self tanners and tanning sessions, all the time wasted trying to be a shade that I wasn't meant to be. Color that wouldn't EVER stay.  All of the damage to my skin trying to make me be "prettier" when in reality, I was causing damage that would some day make me "uglier."  The true sadness of it all is that "pretty" and "ugly" was more important to me than "life" and "death."

The last time I "tanned" was my first and only spray tan 6 months before I was diagnosed with melanoma.  I was the only non African -American in one of my best friend's weddings. She picked out a very PALE pink, which i was certain would wash me out and make me stand out more than the bride, so I got my first spray tan. I have to be honest, I loved it. 

Although, after reading about spray tans lately, I don't think I will be doing it again, for many reasons. One of them being the fact that I want to love myself as I am and I want others to love themselves as they are.  Why should I try to change? Looking back now, I can find many pictures of myself where my paleness was really beautiful.  

No more tans for me..that I promise. I do still have a yearning for some self tanner on occasion, but then that would go against everything I am trying to change for the better. 

I hope this encourages people to love themselves just the way they are. I also hope you share this with younger people, especially young girls. I cannot go back and change my mistakes, but I can help others to not make the same ones.

Thank you for reading. Until next time, practice safe sun!

And Then There Was Melanoma

The story everyone always wants to hear is HOW? How did you find out you had melanoma? 

Shortly after I had my second child in January of 2010, I discovered a small, pink bump growing on my neck. I wasn’t sure what it was, but since it stayed for a while, I decided it was a mole. My daughter, who was just a tiny baby, would reach up and grab it, making it hurt and also annoying me.

 Little Pink Bump

I went for my annual skin exam (which I had been doing for several years) in August and asked the PA to remove the bump because it annoyed me. She did.  I didn’t think about it again, except for the day they called me to tell me it was benign. 

Fast forward a year later to August 2011.  The pink bump/mole had grown back. This time it was much bigger and more annoying. It would itch and, on occasion, hurt. I didn’t make an appointment for my annual skin check because, hey, I had two kids under 3 and I was TOO BUSY.   By December, I decided I would call and make an appointment to get it checked out because something seemed strange about it. I made the appointment, which was a month and a half away. When the time  came, I was just too busy again.  I rescheduled for yet another month and a half in the future.  Too busy again, I rescheduled for a third time- May 17, 2012.  This time I went. My high school reunion was coming up in a few months and I didn’t want to go with this ugly mole on my neck (which I was now referring to as my “second head”).  I had a skin exam and asked the PA again to remove the mole. 

 

Second Head

She removed it. I left feeling a little insecure about the circular scar on my neck, but it was better than the ugly pink head.  I completely forgot about my follow up appointment for the pathology results. It was on a Tuesday and I missed it. I received a voice message the next day.

Hi, Anjannette. This is Nancy from Dr. Smith’s office. We need to see you. We made an appointment for you tomorrow at 1pm. No need to worry, though. If you cannot make it, please let us know.

I was a little unnerved, but I got over it quickly. I showed up the next day at the appointment.  After about 15 minutes, I was told I was having “surgery.”

She went on to explain that the biopsy showed I had “abnormal cells.”  They wanted to remove a wider area to get the cells out. If left in, these are the kind of cells that could possibly end up being malignant.  Here I was worried about a little circular scar, and now I was getting a two-inch, football shaped piece of skin removed from my neck.

I decided to text this info with the picture to my mom and my sisters. Not a good idea. My mom called me later because she thought I was telling her I had cancer. She was in tears.  I assured her, “No, mama. I am SO sorry. I shouldn’t have sent that in a text. I am fine. I don’t have cancer.” 

HA.

A week and a day later, my derm’s office calls my house, and I was unable to answer. Then they called my cell and left a message. 

Anjannette. This is Nancy from Dr. Smith’s office. We need to see you today at 1pm. It is urgent. Please call us if you cannot come in.

My heart sunk. I stopped what I was doing and called them back.

Me: Hi. This is Anjannette. Someone just called telling me that I need to come in at one today, that it's urgent.

Receptionist: Let me get the nurse.

Nurse: Hi, Anjannette. Can you come in at 1:00 today?

Me: Yes, I can. I just need to find someone to watch my kids. Can you tell me what this is about?

Nurse: No.

( 30 seconds of silence)

Me: Ok. I will be there. 

It was only 10am!!!!

I called my husband and told him what happened and asked him to come home for the kids.  I got on Facebook and asked my closest friends to pray. I called my sisters. One of them was laying out by a pool when I called. Needless to say, she didn’t want to be out there anymore.  My mom was at work. I wasn’t able to call her and didn’t want to, not until I knew what exactly was going on. When my husband got home, I jumped in the car. It was 11:30, but I couldn’t sit around the house any longer.

I made the 20 minute drive from my house to the office and during minute 19, I realized it was almost lunch time. There would be no chance of me getting in earlier, but I walked in and tried anyway. 

  The receptionist, who was ALL smiles, told me that the PA had left for lunch already. Oh, and she thought she had some errands to run, so she wouldn't be back until after 1:00. She then suggested that I go have some lunch and enjoy myself.

Enjoy myself?

I don’t know WHAT my face was conveying at that very moment, but I can tell you this- I was once told by someone that I didn’t particularly care for nor respect that my “face shows exactly how I am feeling.” Well, that lady must have been feeling some VERY ugly things just before I left.

I walked out and called my sister. The last thing I wanted to do was eat. Any other time I would be EXCITED by the idea of  sitting in Starbucks all by myself and having some coffee or even better, sitting down and enjoying some sushi for lunch, but I couldn’t. My stomach was sick. So I went to my second favorite place, Joann’s Fabrics. I walked around, taking in all the colors of the fabrics and made a call to a friend who had basal cell carcinoma in the past.  I left her a message. I called my sister again, who was researching everything on the web. Reading best to worst case scenarios, she thought it would just be basal cell, which is not deadly. After all, it was a pink mole, not one of those ugly black moles you see on the skin cancer exam cards.

When I got back to the office, it still felt like forever until I was seen. I sat, legs crossed, on top of the table, waiting for the PA to come in. First comes the nurse, asking how I was. I just looked at her like she was crazy. She said, “Yes. I know. Mindy will be in here soon.” The PA walked in shortly after, again, asking how I was doing. Again, I give her the crazy look.  Then she told me:

The results came back from your last biopsy. It is malignant melanoma.

Malignant melanoma.  I knew NOTHING about melanoma. NOTHING. I asked, “Will I be ok?” She began to tell me that I will need to see a surgeon and be referred to the MD Anderson Cancer center to meet with an oncologist.  I was numb. I was confused. I was speechless.   

I just sat there.

Staring.

In shock. 

The PA and the nurse hugged me.  Then I was handed a pamphlet on melanoma. Before I left, I was told she would have the MD Anderson Center call me to schedule my appointments,but since it was Friday, I wouldn’t be hearing from them until at least Monday.  Monday seemed like YEARS away.