Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I Effin HATE Melanoma

I saw my surgeon today for the results of my CT scan. They were not what I wanted to hear. One of my lymph nodes is a little bigger than it should be.  The doctor is hoping it is just an infection.  He said "You have little kids don't you?" I said yes, and thought, they have been sick, but didn’t tell him that.

He said I need a PET scan. If that comes back negative, he will also do an ultrasound where they stick a needle in my neck to be sure. If it lights up in the PET scan, I will need a neck dissection. If it shows up in the neck and anywhere else, I will need treatment.
The doctor then held my hand, told me that he was sorry he couldn’t give me the news I wanted to hear. He reminded me that this is NOT a diagnosis. Then he said, “Make sure you bring your husband next time. You are here alone today, and I think you will be ok. But just in case you get not-so-good news next time, bring support.” I was anxious, but I honestly didn’t think I would support today.

I tried to contain myself and be strong, but my eyes welled up. I started dripping tears as I sat , waiting for the PET scan to be scheduled. I sent a text to my family because saying it aloud was out of the question.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there and be alone. In the elevator, I started crying and hit the wall.  I had to stop myself. I just wanted to hit something so badly.  A walk across the street, another elevator ride to the 5th floor, and a walk to my car, I got in and lost it. I know this is NOT a diagnosis. But it’s been three months. Really, I couldn’t get NED (no evidence of disease) on my first one? I start thinking of all the bad in me, and that this is why I deserve this. Then I think, but isn’t there more good to me than bad? Then I just want to shut down. I don’t’ want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to read about it anymore. I want to sit in front of my television and watch Psych reruns. I want to give up on my blog, because- what’s the point? Forget the trip to Charlotte for the AIM at Melanoma walk.  I have to worry about ME right now, and not helping everyone else. 

I know NONE of those things are the answer. Right now, I don’t know what the answer is. I am angry and scared. I am hopeful and humble. I want to punch something until I don’t hurt inside anymore. I am all over the place, but I came here to the blog because running away isn’t the answer.


  1. You can punch me if it will really help you:) <3

  2. Sending love and positive thoughts your way. I am here if you need to talk.

  3. All of those things you are feeling are valid and normal. Go to the walk if you can. Walking in that sort of thing is not just to help other people. You will get a lot from it as well. It's powerful to be around other survivors. My Mom and her best friend who is a breast cancer survivor did the SGK 3-day this summer and it was life altering. Thinking of you and sending love and prayers.

  4. Thank you- everyone. I am taking your words and encouragement and moving forward with my plans to attend the walk. God willing, I will get the results I want to hear on Wednesday, and no further surgery or treatment is needed.