I saw my surgeon today for the results of my CT scan. They were not what I wanted to hear. One of my lymph nodes is a little bigger than it should be. The doctor is hoping it is just an infection. He said "You have little kids don't you?" I said yes, and thought, they have been sick, but didn’t tell him that.
He said I need a PET scan. If that comes back negative, he will also do an ultrasound where they stick a needle in my neck to be sure. If it lights up in the PET scan, I will need a neck dissection. If it shows up in the neck and anywhere else, I will need treatment.
The doctor then held my hand, told me that he was sorry he couldn’t give me the news I wanted to hear. He reminded me that this is NOT a diagnosis. Then he said, “Make sure you bring your husband next time. You are here alone today, and I think you will be ok. But just in case you get not-so-good news next time, bring support.” I was anxious, but I honestly didn’t think I would support today.
I tried to contain myself and be strong, but my eyes welled up. I started dripping tears as I sat , waiting for the PET scan to be scheduled. I sent a text to my family because saying it aloud was out of the question. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and be alone. In the elevator, I started crying and hit the wall. I had to stop myself. I just wanted to hit something so badly. A walk across the street, another elevator ride to the 5th floor, and a walk to my car, I got in and lost it. I know this is NOT a diagnosis. But it’s been three months. Really, I couldn’t get NED (no evidence of disease) on my first one? I start thinking of all the bad in me, and that this is why I deserve this. Then I think, but isn’t there more good to me than bad? Then I just want to shut down. I don’t’ want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to read about it anymore. I want to sit in front of my television and watch Psych reruns. I want to give up on my blog, because- what’s the point? Forget the trip to Charlotte for the AIM at Melanoma walk. I have to worry about ME right now, and not helping everyone else.
I know NONE of those things are the answer. Right now, I don’t know what the answer is. I am angry and scared. I am hopeful and humble. I want to punch something until I don’t hurt inside anymore. I am all over the place, but I came here to the blog because running away isn’t the answer.