When Life Hands You Scars

That was me, a year ago from last night. I was in New York City- my favorite place in the entire world. That was before my diagnosis and the after effects of realizing that death may be closer than I expected. Wow, I am always amazed at how big my nostrils are. 

I entered a raffle for Oprah’s Life Class and received two tickets to see Oprah and Tony Robbins live at Radio City Music Hall. Yes, the place where I should have spent my early 20’s dancing if I hadn’t been short-changed in the height category ,thus keeping me from forever becoming a Rockette. ( I am still wondering if I have a valid discrimination case. Anyone know a good lawyer? )  My husband and I both like Tony Robbins and, of course, who DOESN’T like Oprah?  I had to be very careful to keep Mr. LSM away from Ms. Winfrey, though. She is the one woman he would leave me for in a heartbeat, even more than Janet Jackson. His words.  He values money over looks. Guess he wasn’t very focused when he chose me. ;)

It was a very short, but very wonderful trip. I was given two free flights from a former student of mine and good family friend, who now works for Southwest. Also, one of my childhood best friends has a condo in the city. She happened to be out of town, so we got to stay there. This trip was the second thing I had done since having my son in 2008, that was totally and selfishly all about me.  The first was me taking my big pregnant self to a Maxwell concert. Otherwise, everything else I had done in the last 4 years was always about someone else or for someone or something else.

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When I had my son I went from working long hours at a high school, constant interaction with students, parents, teachers to working from home, all alone with only a baby to talk to and a tired husband who came home to a very needy wife. I am sure there were days when he wished he could physically remove his ears. Becoming a mom was a huge change for me, especially when I had spent the last 10 years taking care of myself.  I am sure all moms can identify. Of course,  it is totally worth the sacrifice, but I found myself missing some of the spunkiness of the me “BK”- Before Kids. The real me. The me who loves adventure and new places and things. The me who would travel to NYC at least once a year just to sit in Central Park for hours watching the leaves fall or the snow fall. The me, who spent every waking moment dreaming of all the exciting things I still have left to do and accomplish in this life.   I found her that night, on the cab ride from the airport to my friend’s apartment and then walking around Fairway Market where I took that picture of me wearing the most amazing smile.

When I returned home 3 days later, I was grateful to see my little ones and immediately went right back to me in the role of mom and wife and everything was back to the “new normal.” Only that normal was soon to disappear as well. Two months later I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, and for about a month, I was a numb shell of my former self, so very far away from who I really am.

 I had my surgery and spent the next month being the most grateful person on this earth. I was so thankful and relieved and ready to change the world and change myself. I was going to give back and stop wasting time and do big, no HUGE things.  But there wasn’t enough time for that. I still had to take care of my kids (which I adore). There was no recent lottery win, so I still had to work a full time job.  So now, I wasn’t just a busy mom who had little time to take care of herself, I was a busy, amazingly lucky/blessed mom who was given a second shot of life but would be doing very little to pay back that amazing gift and live life to its fullest.

That’s when crazy set in. I began to question every choice I have ever made. I was certain that this was just a short lived chance at life and pretty much, I was near the end.  I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live life and do what I wanted to do because after all, life is short. That’s what everyone always says, but you don’t believe it until someone tells you that you have an incurable disease. Suddenly life really is short, short as hell.  Everything and everyone in my life had gone back to normal, like nothing had ever happened, like nothing had changed. There I was living right beside them, in the same home, in the same town, but I was anything but normal. I would forever be changed and no one could see it. The scar on my neck was healing nicely and quickly, but everything inside of me was still raw and fresh and wounded.

Fortunately, the love I have for my husband and my children, kept crazy from lasting too long, but now I am just living in a funk. I am scared to do things I used to do. I can’t run outside. I can’t walk out among the trees to feel closer to God, because the sun is out there, just beyond the trees.  Every day that I get caught up in the craziness of life, I feel guilty for not taking care of myself- for not eating as good as I should, for not exercising, because Lord knows, if anyone should be exercising it’s someone who has the chance of cancer recurrence. I feel bad for not writing in my blog as much, because most days I am either too busy or too down. I feel like a failure for not reaching my goals- goals of getting in shape, starting my own business, spreading awareness to young people by doing presentations at local schools, spending quality time with my husband and kids, taking care of my mom. So many goals, and each day I can just muster the time and strength the get most of my work done, feed my family and my dog, like a few statuses and pictures on Facebook, envy others for feeling like they are still just a tad bit immortal, and think about what may happen if I don’t take care of myself.

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It's been a very long time since I have felt normal. Not "normal" by society's standards, I have never EVER been, but normal for me. 

I know this funk won’t last forever. At least, I really hope it won’t. I definitely don't want this to turn into my "normal."  Melanoma warriors often talk about our scars. When we do, it's usually the ones we get from our surgeries and our biopsies. It’s really amazing how quickly those physical scars heal and begin to blend into the new you. But no one really talks about the other scars, the ones that tear us up inside and still feel fresh months and, I imagine, years after. We can’t urge one another to rub some vitamin E oil on those. 

Thank you for reading. Until next time, practice safe sun.

Love Your Skin Link Up

So my beautiful friend, Katie, over at Pretty in Pale, invited me to join the LOVE YOUR SKIN link up.  She   collaborated with  Erin from Shades of Gray and a Pinch of Pink to discuss her obsession with skincare products with her passion for raising awareness about melanoma. So when I got the invite from Katie today, I had to say yes. I mean first of all, it's Katie. I'd write about mud and rats if Katie asked me to. Second, I get to talk about my two passions, loving yourself as you are and melanoma awareness. And finally, by now you must know that I rarely pass on a chance to talk about myself. Maybe it's the (almost) oldest child syndrome. I just enjoy being heard and never had a chance with two younger sisters taking all the attention. (Love you both!)

In order to participate, all I had to do is answer the following ten questions- honestly- and she promised no judging.  So, judge not, or judge away if you'd like, I am not afraid to admit that I am not perfect. Think about how you would answer these questions and PLEASE share with me. I love to get feedback and read about what you are thinking!

1.  What's your daily skincare routine?

My daily routine has downsized greatly since having two kids, ages 4 and 3. I imagine sometime in their teens I will once again become a slave to my beauty regime, but for now I wash my face in the morning and put on sunscreen. If I remember, I will use my Vivite Daily Antioxidant Facial Serum.

At night when they are asleep, I have a little more time for myself. I use my Clarisonic brush and Vivite Exfoliating Facial Cleanser. Then I use Clinique Even Better Clinical Dark Spot Corrector. I usually try to wait a while between layering, so if I don’t fall asleep or get lost in an episode of Scandal or Once Upon A Time, I will then use Vivite Replenish Hydrating Creame and Vivite Revitalizing Eye Cream.

 

I was introduced to the Vivite line early last year when I bought a Groupon for some photofacial sessions (in a desperate desire to get rid of some of my sun damage.) These have been helpful in my neverending fight against sun damage.

2.  Have you ever used a tanning bed?

Unfortunately, yes. I used one on and off for about 6 to 8 months in my very early 20’s. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE. BIGGEST!

3.  A skin product you could never live without?

Sunscreen. I literally cannot live without it!  Everyone should get used to wearing it all the time at an early age.  I also would go nuts without a good exfoliating scrub for my face.  I love that “clean” feeling at the end of the day.

4.  Thoughts on spray tanning?

I used to think it was the GREATEST thing ever, although I have only had it done once. I was happy with the results, but concerned after reading the latest reports about how DHA could possibly  damage DNA and could actually promote the development or cancers, it’s just not worth it.  You can see my pictures from my MANY tans that I don’t have today, just the damage done by them.

5.  Favorite brand of sunscreen?

This is somewhat of a work in progress right now.  I am on a search for the ULTIMATE sunscreen with only GOOD stuff in it.  After my diagnosis of melanoma, I discovered that my favorite sunscreen contained a form of vitamin A, the main ingredient of Retin-A, which I used to put on my skin at night to help my acne. Each tube of prescription Retin-A came with a HUGE warning about the importance of wearing sunscreen when using it, because it made your skin more susceptible to sun damage.  So why would I have vitamin A IN my sunscreen? Just doesn’t make sense to me. I am currently trying Elta MD, California Baby, and awaiting for some ThinkSportKid to arrive.

6.  Biggest skincare splurge?

This one is tough.  There’s the $100 a tube Retin-A I used to buy 2 to 3 times a year. I used it to keep my acne in check (SO worth it). Then there were the forehead injections of Botox right before my wedding. Yes. I was only 31, but I have these wrinkles on my forehead that I earned from making faces at all people who either annoy me or my former students who would drive me crazy in class. I am a very expressive person. You can tell what I am thinking and feeling by reading my face. Unfortunately, my eyebrows are huge ways for me to express my annoyance. People swear they barely notice them, but it’s the first thing I see when I look at myself in the mirror.

 7. Celebrity with the most perfect skin?

I still tend to lean towards those women with NATURALLY tan skin as being the most beautiful, but I have definitely learned to appreciate some of the much fairer celebrities out there, especially the ones who have dark hair like me, with lighter skin. Wish I had picked up how beautiful that is a LONG time ago.

 Eva Mendes

 

 Paula Patton

Rachel McAdams

Lana Parrilla

Had Lana been around (on TV that is ) in my early 20’s, maybe I would have appreciated my natural skin tone. She is beautiful and  she has those dark features I have (hair, eyes, eyebrows). I hope all young, dark haired, fairer skinned girls will start looking up to her as someone they can appreciate as fair and beautiful.  Notice the irony? I find her the fairest of them all, but she is the evil queen. 

8.  Feature you're most self-conscious about?

My VERY white legs. I used to consider my legs one of my absolute best features. Blessed with great calves from my dad’s side of the family and muscular quads from dancing, my always tan legs were something I was proud to show off. Once I got pregnant with my son and stopped wearing shorts for pretty much an entire year, my legs got snow white. So much so, my mom would constantly remark on how white they were. It’s tough for me now to show off my legs when they aren’t tan.

9.  What do you think about Botox?

I think if a few injections make you feel a little better about yourself, go for it. HOWEVER, this cannot be the ONLY thing that makes you feel good about yourself. Also, there is the huge risk of harmful effects they could discover down the line from Botox that we have yet to find out du It’s only been around about 20 years.  

But be afraid, be VERY AFRAID of too much. I had a few injections in my forehead and I promise you , for a month my left eyebrow sagged lower than my right. I was warned this could happen, and guess what, it did! I think this is why my eyes look crooked to me in my pictures even today!

10.  I feel most confident when...

I feel most confident when I am smiling and/or laughing. I feel like when I am truly happy everything about me can be beautiful. It also helps if I am wearing a cute outfit, shoes, and my hair is combed, but those days are few and far between lately. Smiling brings out my inner glow. The only glow we are ever really meant to have.

 One of my favorite pictures of myself. Notice I am NOT tan, but I am smiling. Every part of my face is smiling. When you are happy, you are beautiful. Remember that. 

I hope you have enjoyed this post. No matter what age you are, if you aren't totally in love with yourself, what are you waiting for? It's time. Think happy thoughts!

Thanks for reading. Thanks to Katie and Erin for having me as part of their link up.

Until next time practice safe sun and self love!!!

Regrets

Regrets are something I think about A LOT. I watched sadly, as my dad grew older and deeper into his regrets before he passed away at the young age of 59. I swore I wouldn’t be that way, but yet, I did ( and sometimes still do )allow my insecurities to hold me back from doing many things I really want to do. The reality that death really IS in the cards for me at some point (hopefully much later than sooner) had made me change this about myself.  I find the older I get, the less caring I am about what everyone else thinks and the MORE  aware I am of my capabilities.

So the other day as I was thinking about the new year and how I want to make it a better one, I did some research on regrets. These are the top 5 regrets people have on their deathbed according to this article from The Next Web.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

At some point through my 30 + years, I can identify with each one of these. I still have issues with 1, 2, and 5, but thanks to Facebook #4 is no longer a problem, and if you ask anyone really close to me, #3 has never really been a problem. Sometimes I think they may prefer I don't share every single one of my feelings, but I am not one to hold things in for very long.

  

This is definitely a quote I believe. When I look back, I am bothered much less by the things I did, than those I didn’t do. Missed opportunities make me question where I could have been. What I could have done? Thinking about the auditions I didn’t attend because I didn’t feel “good” enough, makes me sad for the life I could have had as a dancer or actress, but just didn’t believe in myself enough.  Not doing some things also kept me from being truly happy. A lot of times I didn’t do things just because I felt like other people didn’t want me to. It was all about making someone ELSE happy.

Doing things, on the other hand,  may have led to some mistakes, may have given me a mini vacay down the wrong life path, but they mostly provided me with experiences to either enjoy or learn from, and opportunities to do better the next time.  Most of the mistakes that were important enough to remember, don't really don’t affect me all that much today. Notice I said "MOST" that's because there are some I regret OH SO MUCH.

There are about 3 things I regret doing in my life. One of them was not a very big deal. I wish I had asked my best friend to take me to prom, rather than the guy I liked who was older than me. But I've managed to live just fine with that one. :)  Another affected my parents and hurt them. I am not ok with anything I have ever done that has hurt anyone else. If I hurt myself, that's on me, but I don't like hurting others.  The last one..well..it changed the course of my life AND quite possibly the length of my life- tanning.

If you read my last post about my tanning experiences, you know that most of my tanning was done outside with some sort of SPF (though never enough).  But I did have a brief stint with indoor tanning. I didn’t do it for long, 6 to 8 months maybe, I couldn’t afford more than once a week or less, but I am sure I had some marathon weeks in there. 

 Thing is, it didn’t need to be for long. 

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The thing that bothers me most is that my gut told me it wasn’t good. I was against it, until a guy I knew started doing it. I thought he started to look better and slimmer. I asked him about it and shared what I thought and he told me I was wrong.  He assured me that tanning indoors was actually SAFER than tanning in the sun. I was doing myself a favor. I must have really wanted to believe him, because I did against my gut feeling. This is definitely the biggest thing I have ever regretted DOING.  Too bad this was JUST before the explosion of the internet. I would have done my research and stayed away. Too little too late now, though.

Fortunately for young girls (and older people today) we have the web, Facebook, Twitter, books like Pale Girl Speaks,  and blogs like Adventures with my Enemy Melanoma,   Melanoma Girl, My Journey with Melanoma, Respect the Rays, Black is the New Pink, Beyond my Tan, and many, many more.

There is NO reason for us to NOT know today.

There is a great article in Women's Health (with the gorgeous and NOT super tan Emily Van Camp on the cover) all about the rise in melanoma rates in young girls since the explosion of indoor tanning. If you read nor share anything else with those you love, please, PLEASE read and share this article.

On that note, I will leave you with two memes I created especially for this post. I hope you enjoy them.

 Thank you for reading. Until next time, practice safe sun.

Quitting IS Sometimes A Good Idea!

http://pinterest.com/pin/215117319671958382/

I had lunch with a very good friend this weekend. She has a ton of great qualities, but punctuality isn't one of them. So, as I waited for her, I decided to sit on the outside patio. It was extremely overcast (not that I still didn’t need to slather on the SPF), there were umbrellas over the tables, and it was actually cool outside, so I wanted to take advantage. Since being diagnosed, there are few opportunities when I can sit outside anywhere and not feel like the sun is slowing eating away at me.

There weren’t many people out there, only about 4 tables, including me.  Sitting in front of me was a table full of nurses.  As I played with my phone, reading the latest check ins and updates from all my friends on Facebook and trying half-way not to overhear other peoples’ conversations,  one of the nurses yelled, “Ma’am,” to which I immediately raised my head ( I don’t know why, because I am certainly not old enough to be called ma’am.) “You know this is a no smoking patio.” 

I have never smoked a day in my life, yet it took a second to realize she wasn’t talking to me. I turned around and saw an older man and woman sitting a few tables behind me.  The woman said “It is? I didn’t know that.”  The nurse then went on to point out the signs “all over.”

The couple then got up to leave.  As they were walking past the table of nurses, who were also getting up to leave, the man, clearly agitated, said “I am sorry we bothered you so much.” To which the nurse, who had quite a bit of what I call “passion” inside her, went off.

“HEEEELLLL YEAH!  I don’t want to smell your smoke.  If you want to die of cancer go ahead, but I don’t need to smell your smoke.”

I’ve never been comfortable with other people’s conflict. If I am involved, my self-righteousness takes over and there is no time to feel sad until after I’ve already acted like a jerk, but watching other people go at each other, even verbally, makes me very uncomfortable. On the one hand, I was grateful she told them to stop smoking. They were closer to me and had I had a chance to smell it, I would have gotten up and went inside, ruining my nice time outside.  On the other hand, I don’t think the exchange had to be so nasty.

After everyone was gone, and it was just me, STILL waiting on my friend to arrive, I started to think about the couple and how they’re probably so set in their ways, they’ll never quit.  It made me think of my nana and my father-in-law.

My nana smoked from the age of 13 until one year before she passed away from emphysema. One day I called her on the phone and she was slurring her words. I called my mom, and she called 911. On her way out to the ambulance, my nana grabbed her cigarette pouch. The EMT told her she couldn’t take those with her.  The next day, we were told by her doctor that she had emphysema and had about a year left. She was put on oxygen. That was the ONLY thing that stopped her from smoking that last year. She didn’t want to blow herself up!

My father-in-law passed away at the age of 59 from lung cancer. He, too, smoked all his life. I only saw him twice. At the time, my husband was just my boyfriend. I met his father one day when we took something to his house. The second and last time I saw him, other than in a coffin at his funeral, was when we drove him to a chemo appointment.  He died 6 months after being diagnosed and was buried on what would have been his 60th birthday.

Just a few days before my interesting lunch, I was a witness to a very brave and courageous effort made by one of my fellow melanoma warriors, Chelsea Price at Adventures with My Enemy Melanoma.  She searched #tanning on twitter and found an amazing amount of young girls discussing how they were either going for their second tan of the day, getting ready for their 12 minute “nap” in the tanning machine, or complaining that their parents better get them some tanning sessions for Christmas.

Chelsea replied back to each and every one of them. She encouraged them to rethink their decision to tan. She shared that she was diagnosed with melanoma at 23. As expected, she received some “not-so-nice” responses back, but I tell you, I admire her guts and her ability to follow through with her mission.

Let’s hope that much like the teenagers I used to teach, when she was put on the spot, she felt the need to be nasty and ignorant. Even so, I bet Chelsea made her think. At least, I pray she did.

So why do these people, or should I say “WE”, because WE ALL do it, in one way or another, why do we do things that we know can only lead to harm and no good? I figure there are two reasons:

1)            Addiction

2)            We never think it’s going to happen to us.

We know when we drink and get into a car to drive, we could kill someone or ourselves, but we never think it will happen to us.

We know when we text and drive, that many people have died due to the distraction, but not us, we can drive and text. We have better “skills” than those other people.

We know smoking leads to death, yet, even if we want to stop, it’s just too hard. We are set in our ways. We are addicted and the fight is much too hard for us to handle on our own.

In 2012, we KNOW any kind of tanning, especially indoor, can kill us. But we put vanity over life. We use it as our therapy, our “time-out”.  Sure, it can happen to other people. But it won’t happen to me, not now at least.  Just a few more sessions. I won’t do it forever.

When will WE realize that YES it CAN happen to us?  When it does? 

I hope not. Learn from other people’s mistakes. We won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, practice safe sun.