There is Always Something to be Thankful About

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't share what I am thankful for on the day before Thanksgiving? 

I am sure most of you can imagine what I am thankful for, since many of us are thankful for the same things- God, family, friends, a home, and our health. Well, today I am being thankful with a bit of a twist.  Last week, I had an “I hate Melanoma” session on my notepad after a particularly rough day. That post hasn’t been published- yet. But today, I want to talk about all the things I am thankful for that, without melanoma, I may have never experienced. It’s tough to be grateful to something as awful as “the beast”, but even the worst of things have a little good.

Since being diagnosed with melanoma, I am thankful for:

-The texts, instant messages, tweets, calls, and emails from family, friends, and acquaintances throughout the last five months.

-The moment, during the days right after my diagnosis, where for the first time in my life, I felt absolutely certain that I, with all my imperfections, am truly loved by God.

-The pauses I now take while playing, laughing, and rolling on the floor with my kids, in order to take in and appreciate the moment.

-The people, near and dear to me daily, who wouldn’t allow me to be anything BUT strong since my diagnosis.

-The appreciation I now have for the fact that I have very little alone time. It is only in those moments, that I allow this beast to get to my very soul and break me down.

-The scar on my neck that I was certain I would take every effort to hide. I am thankful that instead, I love it and wear it as a badge of honor.

-The opportunity to have seen and felt how much I am loved. Most people don’t show this much concern or affection for others until that person has passed from this life. I get to see it while I am still here.

-The fact that so far, I have been lucky with this awful disease. I had surgery and that was the end of my treatment. So many wonderful people young and old, have faced more surgery and very unpleasant treatment.

-It is now MUCH easier for me to tell someone other than my family- I love you, I care about you.   You are special to me.  Why not?

-My realization that life, even mine, really and truly is precious.

-I have even more drive to spread the word to younger people to love themselves for who they already are and stop trying to change.

-My introduction to an amazing community of strong, inspirational, and supportive action takers.  The melanoma community. 

-A great job with GREAT insurance. Below is a picture from the monthly statements I receive.  99% of the total under Amount Billed was incurred in the last 5 months. Take a look at my savings so far. I didn't even have any radiation or chemo.  Thank God for insurance.

-The Starbucks and Einstein Bagels near the MD Anderson Center/ORMC. This way I am able to give myself a treat on each and every visit. Unfortunately, these visits are NOT covered by the great insurance I was speaking about. I am working on it. :)

-I feel like I am making progress in my long going journey to find my voice and place in this life.

Finally- I am grateful for what happened at my ultrasound appointment today.  I did not have to have a biopsy. According to the lady performing the ultrasound, after showing the pictures to the radiology dudes, the area is 3mm wide and too small to be biopsied, so we will have to wait and watch. The last time this area was measured it was over a centimeter wide, which was the reason for concern. It is now 7mm smaller.  I sure hope I am understanding this correctly. As you can see from my use of great medical terminology above- radiology dudes- there is a chance for some miscomprehension.  Unless I hear different, there are three more months until my next CT scan.

As always, thank you for taking time to read.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Until next time, practice safe sun!!!

Because I Can

As most of you know by now, I attended the AIM for a Cure Melanoma Walk in Charlotte, NC this weekend. What you probably don’t know is that I hadn’t officially decided until about 7am Friday morning. I kept second guessing myself. I knew it would cost quite a bit of money to rent a car, stay at the hotel, and pay for gas. I thought maybe I was being selfish and should just donate that money instead. But I wanted to go, because I learned about fellow bloggers and tweeters that were going. People who have encouraged, inspired, and supported me in these last 2 months without even knowing me.

When I woke up Friday morning, I was exhausted and still doubting whether I should go. Everyone else was telling me I should, but they didn’t have to do this trip in less than 2 days, driving 8 hours there and then back. So, while in the shower, I spoke to God.  This is where I normally do it, since I never have quiet time to myself. I asked Him to give me a feeling of certainty either way. Then I said, “Tell me why I should go.”  And, in my own voice I heard, “Because you can.”

That was it. Because I can. Because two weeks ago I was afraid I would be recovering from a neck dissection at this time and wouldn’t be able to walk. Because I can. Because there are many warriors who are undergoing treatment and couldn’t physically make it through the walk. Because I can. Because I was able to meet and walk with a mom who lost her daughter in April to melanoma. Her daughter couldn’t walk, but I could.

So without any more thoughts, I proceeded to go pick up my rental car, pick up my mom, and of course, make a Starbucks trip before we left.  

When we arrived at 8:30 pm, we were tired and hungry. I was not in the mood to venture out again, so we ordered some room service. Then I got in touch with one of my favorite tweeters, Tara, who lost her husband to melanoma and her wonderful boyfriend,Tim, who also lost his sister to melanoma. These are two great people with a great love story. 

Then we met up with the beautiful Chelsea, her sister Cara, and her mom and step-dad.  Her mom was walking out of the bar with a Kahlua and coffee, so I knew immediately that these were good people.  Chelsea is somewhat of a “celebrity” in the melanoma community. She is “25, a want-to-be Carrie Bradshaw, (and) a Stage III Melanoma Diva.”  Chelsea hasn’t let melanoma destroy her life. Instead, she is doing her best to destroy melanoma.

 Me, Tara, and Chelsea

 Tara F., Chelsea, Donna, me, Tara W.

I met quite a few melanoma warriors and caregivers. I must tell you, SO many of them are just wonderful people!! It’s been a long time since I’ve met people that I clicked with instantly and with whom I hope to stay lifelong friends.

At 8am on Saturday, I joined hundreds of people at the very beautiful Freedom Park. It was 35 degrees, with the wind-chill making it feel like 29, but this Florida girl bundled up and got a move on. The walk began with wonderful tributes to people who have passed away due to melanoma. It was definitely sad to listen to, but as I looked around I saw many different groups of people, wearing shirts they made, and it encouraged me. We are fighting this. I am not in this alone.

 My mom and I

 The duck pond we walked around in Freedom Park

Me, Jean Schlipmann, and Timna from Respect the Rays

 My mom and I again in front of my favorite tree in the park!

 The family of Mary Moxham Soffera with their LOL shirts that stand for Lots of Love

More supportive shirts- I run for my Mommy

 We wrapped up the walk with some bagels, Starbucks coffee, and lots of info about skin cancer. I even bought my kids some SPF umbrella hats from UV Skinz, which they love! 

It was truly a great weekend, and not even a speeding ticket on the way home could make me regret going.  I spent the drive home thinking about all the wonderful things I would like to do locally and in my home town to spread melanoma awareness. I thought of many more blog ideas to share with all of you. I also thought about all the trips I will be planning in the future to walk with my friends- new and old.

As always, I also learned a lot about myself and life from this trip. So I thought I’d share some insights with you ;):

I don’t like driving in new places at night, because I can never see the street signs to find their names.

There are no left turn signals when you take exit at 5 on 77 in South Carolina. So be ready to wait. For. A .While.

It’s very important to read how many miles to drive before getting off at the exit (just because it’s exit 5, doesn’t mean it’s the RIGHT exit 5)

I CANNOT listen to any Luke songs while trying to find my way back to the highway. Two of them came on in the 20 minutes I was lost, and my stress meter rose. Ludacris and Dr. Dre, on the other hand, were quite calming. Don’t Uncle Luke and drive. It’s not good.

I shouldn’t get caught speeding with my mom. She’s my mom. She WILL try to tell the cop why he shouldn’t be pulling me over.

There are many beautiful people in the melanoma awareness community. Not just gorgeous on the outside, but so beautiful from the inside.

          It’s never too late in life to make great friends.

Fried pickle spears are GOOOOOOOOOD.

Charlotte is a pretty gorgeous place.

When driving a Mustang in GA- DO THE SPEED LIMIT.

Finally, when you want to do something in life, DO IT! No excuses. No fear. Do it!

Looking at Life Through UV Protected Sun Glasses

There was a time when I would drive down the street and notice people walking or jogging and think things like:

•   Hmm..that is what I need to be doing.

•  Are they crazy? Can’t they feel how hot it is outside?

•       She has a nice shape. I wish I had a butt like that.  Know why she has a nice butt? Because she is running Anjannette, and you are sitting on yours and driving.

•        It’s good that I don’t run every day. I mean, what if I injured one of my knees and then the Rockettes suddenly change their height requirement and upped their age limit? I would never forgive myself.

But thanks to melanoma, now when I drive down the street and notice people walking or jogging, I think things like:

     

• Um, do they know that between 10am and 4pm is the worst time to be out in the sun?

• OMG! Her entire back is exposed to the sun. I wonder if she put on sunscreen.

• I KNOW they don’t have their kids walking around in this hot sun!                         

• That’s it! I am going to buy a ton of sunscreen and just start passing it out on the streets. This is craziness!

So yes, I basically went from butt coveter to sunscreen enforcer in a matter of months. Melanoma will do that to you. (Although, after I think about the sunscreen, there are occasions when there’s still some butt envy going on. If you have any great butt exercises, send them to me!)

http://findyourbalancehealth.com/2012/05/you-asked-for-it-6-safe-and-healthy-sunscreen-recommendations/

That’s what being diagnosed with melanoma, and I imagine other diseases, does to you. It changes your entire way of thinking. Your focus is altered.  The lady working at Publix, who annoys you when she talks over the loud speaker, is now the lady who has a pink bubble on her forehead and you wonder whether you should ask if she’s had it checked.  The playground down the street is no longer a place that makes you smile at the kids having fun. Instead, you shake your head in disbelief that anyone would have a playground without a cover in Florida.  Part of me is thankful that I am so much more conscientious about the sun and other people’s safety, but another part of me curses the day I ever learned about it, and far more, the day I was diagnosed.

As with anything in life, you have to take the good and the bad. If someone had found a way around that by now, I am certain it would have been discovered by one of my former teenage students and he/she would have shared it with their favorite teacher.

Until that day, I am doing my best to take a bad situation and make it better. One of the ways I am trying to do that is to show you the world through my UV protected sun glasses.   This way, when you are walking/running down the street, other people can drive by and make all the judgments they want. Whether they are evaluating their own exercise habits, debating if you have a nicer tush than them, or wondering if you have done all you can to protect yourself from increasing your risk for skin cancer, you will know you have the last one under control. 

Check out these Action Steps for Sun Safety from EPA.gov

Each one is explained in detail on their page. You can download their SunWise action steps.

1. ·         Do Not Burn
2. ·         Avoid Sun Tanning and Tanning Beds
3. ·         Generously Apply Sunscreen
4. ·         Wear Protective Clothing
5. ·         Seek Shade
6. ·         Use Extra Caution Near Water, Snow and Sand
7. ·         Check the UV Index
8. ·         Get Vitamin D Safely

Until next time, practice safe sun (and send me all your great glute exercises ;0)

Safe Sun Can Start With Self-Esteem

Today I am going a little off topic and combining the two issues I am most passionate about these days, melanoma awareness and support and encouragement for the younger people in our lives.  I dedicate this post to Rosemarie Oldhoff, who I believe is one of the many angels watching over me.  

I always thought I would end up being an advocate for diabetes research and prevention and eventually, become a life coach to help young teens, especially females, to find their strength and self-confidence.  These were the two things I wanted to see improve in my lifetime more than anything else. I still do, but I have added a few more to my list.  I never expected that I would end up feeling so passionately about skin cancer, but of course, like most things, I never knew I would end up with it.

I found this picture of me the other day. I was about 4 or 5 years old. The first thing I noticed, was my sassy little look and huge smile. Clearly, this girl had it together. She knew she was something special and she wasn’t afraid to hide it.

Something happened to that girl between that picture and now. Life, childhood teasing, developing a curvy figure WAY too early, not having the newest clothes or a lot of money, family issues- all of these things contributed to a lot of self-doubt and self-hate. I struggled with self-esteem issues for the majority of my life. I wasn’t proud of my natural skin color. I wasn’t proud of much that I was given.

My feelings about my looks are the reason I spent so much time trying to get a tan. Besides comments about my weight, my nose, my clothes, I got comments like, “Oh my God! You look like a ghost.”  Or, “You look sick. You need some sun.”  I started to believe that being darker would allow me to be beautiful. I figured having a tan would give me a chance to look like all those models and celebrities I adored. Also, it was a pretty easy thing to do when you consider all you have to do is lay around to get some sun.  My father ALWAYS got on me about getting too much sun. He told me it was bad. He told me I was fine just the way I was, but I didn’t believe him. I wanted to be beautiful, more than I wanted to be smart.  I wanted to be beautiful more than I wanted to be popular.  I wanted to be beautiful more than I wanted to be healthy and alive.  

As a teen, I didn’t have any teachers or coaches that took an interest in me, or that I felt comfortable talking to about things that I struggled with. That is why, when I was a teacher in the classroom, I wanted so badly to be the type of adult role model I would want my children to talk to, when they felt they couldn’t talk to me.  

Knowing logically that I can’t save every kid, but emotionally wanting to save them all, I did my best. But there were some I failed.

My biggest failure was my beautiful, beautiful Rose.  She was on the dance team that I coached. She was an angel walking on this earth. Her outside beauty was almost unbelievable and her inside beauty was even greater.  If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t believe it was possible for anyone to be that kind and sweet. I don’t think she had any idea of how special she really was. Rose was the kind of beautiful I always wanted to be.  No amount of tanning or dieting could have ever made me that beautiful.  

Me and the beautiful Rosemarie.

Rose’s mother was killed by an old boyfriend while I was coaching her. I had no idea how to help or support anyone going through that, but I tried. I even offered for her to live with me if she needed, but she moved from Orlando to go live with her father in another state.  I lost touch with her after that. I got married and instantly had my own teenage daughter to look out for. Then I had two babies within 4 years.  During that time, I got on Facebook and my sweet Rosie found me. She sent me a message telling me how proud I would be of her (I was always proud of her) and how well she was doing. We spoke about her coming to visit me the next time she was in Orlando, and one night at a concert, she actually walked right past me, but I couldn’t catch up to her in the crowd. I wish I had tried harder, because that was the last time I saw her.

Two years ago today, Rose left this earth to be a real angel.  She was struggling with far more than I could have imagined. I had no ideas. Her words gave a totally different story.  I didn’t keep an eye on her. I didn’t reach out to her like I should have. I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe, just maybe, if I had been more involved, if I had been there for her, just maybe things would be different.  At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Fortunately, as a teen when I got desperate thoughts, I felt that I had to stay around for my family, because they needed me more than I needed myself. Most of the “right” things I did were because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or cause my family any more grief than what they were already going through. As a young adult, I was able to find some great mentors. Wonderful ladies who I met while working. They were always there to help me to get my head right and see what I really had going for me.  But even with that support from my friends and family, it was still a struggle to truly believe it.

There are young people out there right now, boys and girls, young men and young women, who are going through FAR more than you will ever see in their face or hear in their words. Please remember that no matter who you are, your words and actions can have a tremendous effect on them.  Thinking of them and letting them know that you are “there” could mean SO much.

To all the moms reading this, we need to set an example ourselves by first showing that who we are and what we look like is ENOUGH- more than enough, so our daughters will see firsthand what it is like to accept their looks, their natural skin tone. We need to teach them that no matter what we face in this life, we are here because we are special, because we have a purpose. We need to support them in their confidence and in their beliefs about their worth.  

Let’s teach anyone younger or older than us, that there are things far more special about us than our looks. Let’s remind everyone that we love them and need them here, with us. We all have a purpose to fulfill. Let’s not interfere with our purpose by doing unhealthy things or thinking unhealthy thoughts.

And PLEASE encourage everyone to practice safe sun!!!

Thank you for reading this even though I went a little off topic today.  

Brooke Burke- Same Scar, Different Cancer

Yesterday celebrity Brooke Burke-Charvet came out with the news that she has thyroid cancer.

As her twitter follower and a longtime envier of her abs, I learned of the new as soon as it came out. I read the article and then watched the video posted on her Modernmom Blog. 

Two things from the article were immediately stuck in my mind.  The first was her mentioning   “I am going to have a nice big scar, right here, across my neck.” 

You mean like me, Brooke? 

Beautiful, flat abed, gorgeous on the inside and outside, Brooke Burke-Charvet is going to have a big scar across her neck like me?

Now if you read my post about my surgery, you know that I was worried about my scar prior to my surgery. I was certain that I would now have ample opportunity to wear the many scarves I have collected over the years, since there are so few opportunities to wear them due to cold weather in Florida.  I joked about the stories I would tell about my scar - the "wild" knife fight I'd had, and my personal favorite, I was attacked by zombies and won.  But the minute I took my dressing off, I didn’t want to cover it anymore. My scar became my medal of honor. It was my mark confirming that I was here for a reason. That God is not done with me yet.  That I have so much more to do. It is my mark of love from my maker.

 So, as it has always been with me, my first reaction was to reach out.  So I did. I sent her a “tweet.”  Well, more than one tweet, because clearly I am way too wordy to get my feelings out in 140 characters or less.  

It was two of many, but I am glad I did it, even though I am sure it was lost in the sea of well wishes.

The other statement that stuck with me was when she said her doctors boasted her cancer is “a good kind of cancer to have.”

It took me back to the first time I spoke with a doctor after my diagnosis. The first thing he said to me was, “Melanoma is not a good cancer to have.”  This completely blew my mind. What cancer IS good to have?  When I mentioned that in one of my blog posts, a friend of mine, who had thyroid cancer, posted this

Loved your comment about the cancer reminded me of when I was meeting with my Endocrinologist. He said that if you were going to get to choose your cancer, thyroid cancer was the one you wanted.

I guess some people are just…lucky? Would that be the word?

Fact is, I think ALL cancer SUCKS. 

Brooke’s story backs what I've been urging all along. It is important to get regular physicals. It is important to get regular skin exams.  I am sure Brooke will do as she promised, and “make a positive out of this negative thing.”  In the meantime, I am going to continue to nag you.  

 Know your body. Know what to look for to catch different types of cancer.  Don’t be afraid to press and squeeze and know every lump and bump you own. Know when a new lump or bump appears, so it can be checked immediately. Know what moles and marks you have on your skin. Make sure that YOU are self-aware.

You can detect something wrong far earlier than any doctor will.

  Finding out you have cancer definitely makes for a rough time.  I can only imagine how tough it must be to go through this with the eyes of the public on you. It took me months before I could say the word cancer when referring to my melanoma.  I pray that all goes well for the beautiful Brooke Burke-Charvet and her lovely family. There is no doubt in my mind that she will do fine in surgery, quickly recover, and come out of this looking even more beautiful than she does now.  I am very sorry that she is going through this-that anyone has to go through this. 

However,  I must admit, if people start coming up to me in a few months asking, “Do you know you look JUST like Brooke Burke-Charvet?”  there won’t be one bone in my body that will regret saying, “Oh, I get that ALL the time!”

A girl can dream, right? 

I Got To Say It Was A Good Day

Can't believe today was a good day.

I had the day off.

I woke up to discover that the candidate I voted for President was reelected.

I received a message from an old friend stating that, because of my blog, tomorrow she was seeing a dermatologist for the very first time EVER.

I had my first chocolate babka and now know what all the fuss was about. (I also had my very first pumpkin pie bagel).

I had tons of texts and wall posts wishing me much love and wellness from wonderful people who were thinking about me.  People who love me.

I did my first volunteer event at the fall festival for my son’s pre-k class.  I took my daughter and we had hours of fun time together.

I got seven more likes on my Light Skinned Mother Facebook  page.

Oh yeah...and there was NO glowing on my scans. 

That’s right. As of right now, there is no evidence of disease from my PET scan. My wonderful doctor is requiring that I have an ultrasound to be safe. If they find a reason to  stick a needle in me and take a biopsy, I must go back to see him for the results. No needle, and I am back in 3 months for my next CT scan.  My doc DID mention that it is possible cancer could be missed from the ultrasound, but I can’t worry about that right now, because today was a good day.

I am cooking dinner for my family and have a plate of sushi in the fridge for myself, to celebrate. I have an evening planned for chopsticks, soy sauce, catching up on Once Upon A Time, and snuggling up in a big comfy blanket while the temp outside is supposed to drop into the 40’s.

Tomorrow I have to call my dermatologist and see if I can get in early to check out a new mark that’s developed on my face.  The day before Thanksgiving, I will be getting my ultrasound and possibly having a needle stuck in my neck. But for now…

I got to say it was a good day. 

I suggest everyone try some chocolate babka if you haven't already. Yummy.

Glowing Chocolate Babka Distractions

Tomorrow I am having a PET scan done. The scan is being done to detect whether there is any more cancer in my body.  Basically, small amount of radioactive material (tracer) is injected in my body through an IV. I wait for about an hour as the tracer is absorbed, and then I lie on a very narrow table and slide in and out of a large tunnel shaped scanner.  The scanner then takes the pictures for my doctor to read.  The process isn’t really all that bad. I mean, I get to sit in quiet and read for at least an hour (or sleep). Then I lie down and get covered with warm hospital blankets and I get a nice cushy pillow put under my knees, so I am comfortable. I don’t get that kind of treatment at home.

Those of you who have had a PET scan before, know that 24 hours prior to your scan, you must be on a no sugar/low carb diet. I know, 24 hours is no time to be complaining about, but if you would have heard me whining today, you would have thought I had to go carb free for 24 days.

There are good reasons behind this. The doctor is looking for glowing in my body, which would indicate disease. Organs in your body that process sugar will do some lighting up in the pictures, so you want to eliminate as much sugar as possible, so there won’t be any “extra” glowing.  Normally, I am ALL about the glow. Not the one you get from tanning, but the inner glow that comes out when someone makes me smile or laugh or when I look at my kids. But tomorrow, I don’t want any kind of glowing.   

So instead of being nervous about my possible results, I have been a whiney baby about not being able to have my carbs.  I went to get a salad from a nearby bakery and saw that they had chocolate babka. Yes, as an avid Seinfeld fan, I have always wanted to try babka, especially chocolate babka, but have never EVER come across it. Guess who found it on no carb day???? Can you see why I am so bitter? I think the only thing that could have been worse, was a babka with a hair on it- or having the saleslady cough on it. 

Odd fact about me: Prior to my first trip to New York City, about 100% of my knowledge of NY and the North East came from Seinfeld episodes. After my visiting as often as possible in the last 10 years, now it’s only about 60% of my knowledge.  Check out The Dinner Party episode to see where I learned about Chocolate babka.

Yes, I love carbs. I have never met a piece of bread that I didn’t like.  However, if I were being totally honest, it’s the sugar part that is the toughest. Not because I love sweets all that much. Nope. It’s because no sugar/artificial sweetener means NO coffee for me. Anyone who knows me know that me and coffee go together like peanut butter and jelly, mac and cheese,  rice and beans,  salt and pepper, Jack and Jill, Tom and Jerry. Ok. So you get the picture? I was up at 5:30am today to make sure I got my two cups in before 7. So far, I haven’t been too bad, besides the drives past several Starbucks today while all alone (that is my favorite time to go!)  But tomorrow morning, well, I feel sorry for anyone who looks at me the wrong way until after my scan.

Truth is, sometimes we have to go with whatever distractions come easily, rather than think about things that are not under our control. So maybe worrying about the little things, like no carbs for a day will help me to move about my day smiling and laughing for the most part. So far, it’s worked. (Although I could REALLY go for a salted caramel mocha right now, with a sandwich on the side).   I am trying to stay positive. I am praying that my lymph node was just larger than a centimeter due to the nasty little germs my kids have been passing around between the family, and that tomorrow nothing will be glowing inside of me. Well, nothing other, other than excitement I will have thinking about that cup of coffee and huge carb filled lunch I will be having as soon as I am out.